...and they all lived happily ever after

If only life was that simple. In fairytales the prince saves the princess, they fall madly in love, share their first kiss and ride off happily into the sunset. And presumably get married. While this seems idyllic, it sure as hell doesn't work that way in real life; in reality, relationships are complex and rather sensitive topics. Particularly at varsity. Let's look at a few types of varsity 'relationships' and how to handle them:

1. The Friend
Of course we're talking about opposite sex friendships here. This friend might be someone you've known for years, or maybe just someone you really clicked with. You may have hooked up at some point in the distant past and then realised that there was no real romantic attraction between you, or perhaps you wouldn't kiss this person if your life depended on it. Either way, this guy (as I am a girl. Boys, subsistute 'girl' when I say guy) is the one you go to when you have love life problems, need study notes, want to chill or just want a hug. As long as both of you are in agreement that you are just friends, this relationship is wonderfully fulfilling and rarely has problems.

2. The Admirer
Assuming that you are not interested in this person, this can get awkward. Maybe they try to lunge you every time they see you in Friars, or they repeatedly drop suggestive/romantic hints into your conversations. The best way to sort out this problem (or so I've found) is to talk to them about your current love-interest. It may be cruel but there is no better way to show indirect interest than to tell someone about the hottie in your French class that you're currently crushing on.

3. The Crush
No I don't mean the hottie in the French class. I mean the guy you can't get your mind off, the one who invades your dreams, the one who you find yourself thinking about even though you are in the midst of a random hookup. The one who can make you smile just by walking past. If you know that your feelings are unrequited, I'm sorry to say that you have no choice but to move on. Cut down on your contact with your crush and find someone new to perve over. It's almost impossible to force someone to fall for you; don't even try. It's sad, but true. Don't worry - Prince Charming will still be waiting for you!

4. The Ex
This depends on how the relationship ended. If you cheated on him, he cheated on you, or either of you threw something at the other one and screamed obscenities during the course of the breakup, I would recommend cutting all contact. This includes deleting him off Facebook - believe me, you don't really want to know what he's doing. Or who he's doing. Pretend he never existed and find someone new to ease the pain.
If, on the other hand, your relationship ended because you both decided it just wasn't working, I see no reason why you shouldn't try to turn your Ex into your Friend (see above). If you dated then you obviously had something in common once upon a time; just because you no longer make out or hold hands doesn't mean you shouldn't hang out once in a while. But keep it platonic; going back to exes is a bad idea. Trust me, I know.

5. The Hookup
Ah the most complex one. On Wednesday night you happen to meet a real cutie. One thing leads to another and before you know it you're drunkenly telling him your lifestory and making out on the dancefloor. The next morning you walk into your first lecture and (gasp!) he's sitting in the front row. Now what??
Personally I've never understood why this is so complicated. If you kinda like him, smile at him. If he smiles back, say hi and ask how his hangover is. If he looks at you like you're mad, pretend that you mistook him for someone else. Then accept that he isn't interested and walk away.
If you have no interest in him beyond a random hookup, flash a quick smile at him (it's only polite, after all) then look away and do not look back at him again. By doing this you can show that you remember him and that you had fun, but it also sends the message that you don't want further contact.

If he's ugly, walk past him and pretend you don't remember him.

6. The F***-Buddy
For those of you who can handle casual relationships, I've been told a (as my friend calls it) "fun"-buddy is a brilliant way to relieve stress. As someone who gets attached just from holding hands with a guy, I know I could never do it. If you're like me and get attached easily, don't even go there. Make sure the guy is interested in you before you decide to jump into his bed.
For those of you who prefer to keep things light and un-committed, just make sure that the other person understands this is casual. It's really not fair to lead someone on under the pretense that you may decide to be in a relationship with them, when all you really want is someone to keep you entertained on boring Friday nights.

7. The Boyfriend (or Girlfriend)
As far as I know, you can call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend when you declare yourself as in a relationship on Facebook. God alone knows why, but Facebook makes it official. As I am currently single I can't really offer useful relationship advice except for the basics:

• Don't spend every waking moment hanging off each other. You're not in highschool anymore. Grow up.
• Don't make out in corridors between lectures. It makes everyone else uncomfortable.
• Do make sure that you spend time together or go out together. This doesn't mean sticking together for the entire night; hit a club with your girlfriends, and bring him and a few of his friends along. Not only do you get to spend some time with your girls, but you get to play matchmaker between them and his friends ;)
• Never ever ditch your friends completely for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Friends last much longer than most relationships do.

Now I wish I could say that all relationships were this simple, but in reality there are often many underlying issues, past events or hidden feelings. For example, let's take A. A invites B over to watch movies and they end up kissing. Does A have feelings for B? Does B have feelings for A? Or was it just "something that happened"?
Example 2: X has a crush on Y, and they frequently hook up while at Friars. One night X sees Y flirting with someone else. Does X have any right to be angry? Or was this a 'casual arrangement'?

I'll be honest, I like watching people. I like examining behaviour and relationships, and learning how to manipulate people without them realising what I'm doing. But this relationship stuff turns my head inside-out. Bah. Humans and their damn illogical emotions. Why are we incapable of just grabbing the other person and asking "So what exactly is going on between us?"? Maybe it's a fear of rejection, or a fear of having to reject. Maybe we're just shy at heart. Or maybe we just feel bad about putting the other person on the spot.
At the risk of sounding completely dodgy, I sometimes wish that humans worked more like the Bloodhound Gang put it...
"You and me baby, we ain't nothing but mammals. So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!"
Crude, yes. But life would be SO much easier.