The Advantages of being a short-ass

I recently came across a page on a website which listed 16 problems with being short. They included the usual: not being able to get things off high shelves, being mistaken for someone's little sister, and so on. While being short has its disadvantages, I truly believe that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. For girls, anyway. :P

1. People think you're younger than you are
I've lost count of the number of times bartenders and bouncers have asked for my ID because they don't believe that I'm over 18. Worse, I was once almost kicked out of a bottle store because the owner thought I was 14. I was 19 at the time.
This may be a pain in the ass now, but it'll be a blessing when I'm older. My mom, who barely reaches 5"1, looks much, much younger than her current age (which I will not reveal because she will kill me :P ). So one day, while my friends are becoming wrinkly and ancient, I'll still look like a young spring chicken. Although maybe slightly less springy-er.

2. People pick you up ALL THE TIME.
I cannot stress this one enough because it happens far more than one would think. Especially when people are drunk. I have been carried across Somerset on two different occasions, as well as down New Street, through Friars' bottom bar, and across Pirates. Guys - especially the bigger ones - think it's hilarious to pick me up and toss me over their shoulder, or lift me under their arm like a little sack of potatoes. After a while, it gets old.
But on the bright side, it makes me feel small and delicate. I don't have to walk across/down the street. The guy gets to show off his muscles. Everybody wins :)

3. You're adorable.
Now this has always been my pet peeve, and close friends will know how much I hate the word 'cute'. Why? Because when you've spent the last two hours trying to make yourself look sexy as hell, it's very depressing to have someone pat you on the head and go "Awww, you're SO CUTE." Short people struggle to be sexy, because no one takes us seriously.
HOWEVER, this is possibly the biggest advantage. Why? Because we can never be ugly. Short people are always cute, regardless of how skinny they are or how attractive their faces are. We're a bit like puppies: even if it's a really ugly puppy, it's still adorable.

4. You can date guys of any size
There are no problems with this one. If you're a girl and you're only 5 feet tall, you can date pretty much anyone because EVERYONE is taller than you. The majority of guys (not all, admittedly) like to be taller than their girlfriends. And while there are certain practical difficulties with dating a guy who is a foot taller than you, it's not nearly as awkward as having to bend down to kiss your boyfriend. The guys I have dated range in height from the same height as me to about 6"4. And they all loved that I was short :)
(But I suppose if you like short guys, then trying to find a guy shorter than you would be problematic...)

5. You never have to duck.
Low-slung branches, small doorways, low roof beams...being short means never hitting your noggin on anything. Or rarely hitting it, at least.

6. You have a better sense of balance.
As you are short, you have a lower centre of gravity. Thus you are much better at balancing. (Note that I say 'you', not 'we'. I am the exception to the rule, and can fall over simply by trying to stand up on my toes.)

7. A shirt can be a shirt OR a dress
Like that button-up shirt in Mr Price? Buy a small and wear it with jeans! Buy a medium and wear it with tights! Buy a large and wear it with a belt and high heels. :P

8. Guys' clothes look cute on you.
In line with numbers 3 and 7, wearing a guy's oversized hoodie always looks adorable on you. Why? Because even if the guy is short, his hoodie is STILL oversized on you and makes you look small, adorable, and fragile.

Obviously I'm not trying to take a hit at tall girls here - I'd kill to be 5"9 with legs that go on for miles. But as height goes, I'm pretty happy being a short-ass. The view of the world is pretty good from down here. And of course, I've developed my own defence mechanisms. As many people have learned, if you pat me on the head I'll bite your fingers off.

Rhodes Heroes

After the recent water crisis in the Makana Municipality, Vice-Chancellor of Rhodes announced on StudentZone that he intends to put emergency water plans in place. To ensure that this happens, he has also established a team to deal with water-related issues around the university. This team has been named...

(drumroll)

EMERGENCY WATER ACTION TEAM!

Known as "EWAT" for short, this team will "kick into action" when water problems occur at Rhodes. Not only do I admire the Vice-Chancellor's immediate response to the water problems (no sarcasm, seriously, he's really tried hard), but his exciting Emergency Water Action Team (Da da da DAAAAAAA!) has inspired me to create a few of my own Rhodes Superheroes. I present to you: The Super Rhodent League!

NAPS MAN
Naps Man is the leader of the Super Rhodent League. Dressed in dirty Rhodent overalls, he can be found sauntering around town looking for damsels in distress on Friday nights. He is drawn to drunkenness, girls who were recently dumped, and the Friars dancefloor, and it is rumoured that he hides in Jan Smuts during the daylight hours. His super powers are too explicit for this PG blog.

THE GREAT SHUSHER
The brains of the Super Rhodent League, the Great Shusher haunts the libraries of Rhodes. He can be found hunched over dusty, cracked books in the furthest corners of the library, and wears a constant expression of fierce concentration. He also wears his glasses on a string and his pants around his armpits. His super powers include expertly shushing anyone who walks past him too loudly, vicious glares at those who ask him questions, and the ability to vapourize anyone whose cellphone rings.

THE PATRIOT
The Patriot is the only Rhodent (other than the SRC) who wears purple on every possible occasion. He arrives at every Rhodes-related event, knows every Rhodes war-cry and supports every sports event. His super-powers include screaming at impossibly high volume, melting seamlessly into a crowd, and knowing every Rhodes event on the calendar. He is rarely seen, but can be tracked through the half-empty jars of purple paint and faint scent of Black Label that he leaves behind.

FIRSTIE
Firstie embodies everything that is a first year at Rhodes. She can usually be found in the dining hall, loudly complaining about the food and eating endless amounts of toast. Her arms are often covered in permanent marker comments, like "OMG Jenni loves you!" and "Yeah bitch, I'm single!" She drinks a lot of crackling. Her super powers include sleeping all day and partying all night, downing five shots of vodka in a row, and being able to attend lectures no matter how much she drank the night before.

Of course the Super Rhodent League is still in its early stages, so more superheroes will no doubt join when they realise how awesome the League is. But of course, every League of superheroes must have its villains...

PEDANTIC MAN
Pedantic Man is the worst villain of them all. He hides at the back of lecture theatres and tutorial rooms, waiting for the moment when the lecturer/tutor is about to let everyone out early. Then his hand shoots up with super-human speed and he asks an in-depth, meaningful question. Ten minutes later, the class is still there.
His greatest weakness is duct tape.

THE PROTESTOR
We all know that sometimes protesting is the only way to get your point across, but The Protestor takes it to a whole new level. This energetic villain attends every protest, be it against animal cruelty, violence against women, or getting more fruit in the dining hall. She will bore you to death with loud monologues about her latest vendetta, and then shame you into joining her in her naked run/dirty protest/dance marathon for diabetes sufferers.
Her greatest weakness is debate teams.

There you have it; four wonderful Rhodent super heroes and a few villains for them to take on. Now that you know the secret, keep your eyes peeled for these fantastic specimens around campus; you're bound to spot them as they perform dastardly deeds or leap to the rescue of a Rhodent in need.

And maybe when I'm bored and have more time on my hands, there will be an epic battle between the two...
For now, I look forward to seeing the Emergency Water Action Team. I really, really hope they have matching costumes.

The Hipsters Descend

I have never been fortunate enough to experience the joys of the Grahamstown Arts Festival. When I was in highschool my school would annually send a group of students on tour to the Fest. Unfortunately these were art and drama students, and by Gr10 my subjects were decidedly scientific. I didn't qualify for the tour.

This year was the first time that I happened to still be floating around Grahamstown while Fest preparations were underway. And I can safely say that I've rarely seen our delightful little Gtown looking so crowded. But, unlike O-week and Trivar, these crowds were not made up of drunken students staggering through the streets in unwashed overalls and getting hit by cars. Instead, the arts capital of South Africa opened up its heart and disgorged its many, many inhabitants.

The Cape Town hipsters flooded in.

Now I'm not saying that everyone from Cape Town is a hipster. I'm simply saying that Cape Town probably has the highest hipster quota in South Africa. And boy do they love the Grahamstown Festival. Everywhere I went, I found myself walking past these strange beings and catching snippets of deep, meaningful conversation. So, to help those poor Rhodents who may find themselves overwhelmed by the influx of Fest guests, I have compiled a brief guide Surviving the Hipster Invasion.

The Hipster Apocalypse Survival Guide
1. Recognising the Hipster
Firstly, a Hipster is likely to be carrying a backpack or oversized bag of some kind. Like any tourist, they have travelled a long way and need to keep essentials nearby.
Secondly, their clothing is easy to spot. Look for skinny jeans, sneakers, oversized jerseys and beanies. Hairstyles are usually stylishly messy. Another sure-fire sign is the giant black-framed glasses, with or without glass.

2. Hipster Habits
Hipsters tend to travel in small packs of four or five. They are often found in coffee shops, sipping designer coffee and typing rapidly on their iPads or netbooks. They also like to engage one another in meaningful conversations about art, dramatic performance, modernist literature and indie bands that no one has ever heard of.

3. Aggravating Hipsters
While not recommended, there are several possible ways to aggravate a Hipster. Try:
1. Proving that you knew about an obscure band before they did. "The Flaming Willows? Yeah, the lead singer lived next door to me while they were still a garage band."
2. Laughing when they tell you that they don't like Nicki Minaj/Justin Bieber/anyone remotely commercial.
3. Telling them that installation art is stupid.

4. Placating Hipsters
If you have accidentally angered a Hipster, try the following methods to calm the waters again.
1. Buy them a cup of rare Civet coffee.
2. Ask them what they think of post-modernist poetry.
3. Admit that you've never heard of the band/poet/artist/director that they've mentioned.
4. Ask where they bought their skinny jeans.

5. Poking fun at Hipsters
Yes this entire guide is done as tongue-in-cheek and not meant to offend. To prove it, I shall end off with some mildly offensive Hipster-related jokes.

What's a hipster's favourite number?
It's an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

How did the hipster burn his hand?
He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.

So there you have it. Enjoy Fest, party hard, and don't get eaten by hipsters. :P

PS: THIS IS THE 100TH POST ON THIS BLOG. WHOOOOOOOO :D

Why you should date a law student

1) Everyone looks hot in a suit.

2) They're used to staying up all night (wink wink).

3) "You should totally be studying law instead!" said no law student ever.

4) Getting screwed during exams is expected.

5) Getting 'S v Johnson' drunk is a good thing (unless you're actually Johnson I suppose).

6) Latin can be super-sexy: numquam ubi sub ubi ;)

7) Their greatest goal is getting to the bar. AND STAYING THERE.

The Hook

I watch too much How I Met Your Mother. It is a fact I have accepted and come to terms with, right up there with my South Park addiction and the fact that I will never have a thigh gap. And on Wednesday night, when I really should have been studying for my Criminal Procedure test, I watched an episode (season 5 episode 16 if you're interested) that introduced me to the concept of the Hook.

To explain this, let me introduce John and Mary. John has been in love with Mary for years. But every time John makes a move on Mary, she tells him "I'm sorry, we can't be together...right now." By doing this Mary is implying that, although she doesn't want a romantic relationship with John at the moment, a romantic relationship is a definite possibility in the future. John then continues to hang around Mary, showering her with attention, gifts and compliments, while continuously waiting for the day when Mary will leap into his arms. Mary, of course, has no intention of ever dating John; she just enjoys having him around as an ego boost.

Terminology: Mary is the hooker (go ahead, giggle :P ), John is the hookee, and John is on Mary's hook.

Good so far? Awesome.

Now according to HIMYM* every person has either been a hooker or a hookee at some point in their life. This set me thinking about myself and my friends, and I realised that the Hollywood geniuses who write those scripts may actually be correct. However, in order to determine whether one has ever been a hooker or hookee, we must first determine what the necessary elements are.

(Can you tell I've been studying too much law lately?)

Elements of "being on the hook"
1) The hookee must be under the impression that, at some point in the future, the hooker intends to have a romantic relationship with him/her.
2) The hooker must have no such intention to ever enter into a relationship with the hookee.
3) The hooker must not discourage the hookee's intentions by stating that they will never be together; if anything, the hooker is likely to encourage the hookee's attention.

All still up to date? If you're lost, go and download the episode. Watch it. Come back and continue reading.

Analysis
It's easy to spot a hooker-hookee relationship from the outside, especially if one of the parties is a friend who will disclose their true intentions. I have no friends who I can definitely say are in either position, but I strongly suspect hooker-hookee relationships between some of the people I know. Spotting such a relationship becomes difficult, however, when it's your own.

Obviously it cannot be said that all people in relationships are neither hookee nor hooker. Using the example above, it's easy to imagine that John is in a relationship with someone but is still waiting hopefully for the day when Mary will tell him that she's ready. It's equally possible to imagine Mary as having a boyfriend, but keeping John around for the days when she's feeling fat/ugly/too lazy to do her own laundry. However I can safely state that I am not on anyone's hook, nor do I have anyone on my own hook. BUT for the sake of this post, I decided to do a little delving into my own romantic history to try and find an example. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have one.

When I was in Grade 8, I was young, chubby, and totally innocent. During the year I started "dating" a boy who was probably my first real crush. Our relationship was long by Gr8 standards - we lasted five whole months. He bought me chocolates and pretty (if plastic) jewellery. His friends told me that he'd said he was in love with me. I basked in his attention. But alas, our differences broke the relationship down. He lived in Pretoria while I lived in Richards Bay; he was a boarder while I went home every afternoon; he didn't like reading and I did; and all the other stupid little things that seem so important to a relationship when you're thirteen. However, even after I'd broken up with him I continued to tell my friends how sweet and cute he was. Whether it ever got back to him, I'll never know. But we remained friends, and I enjoyed having him around. I told myself that maybe one day we'd get back together, once I'd run out of other cute boys to crush on.

And then he left.

He actually only told me that he was moving a week before he did. I was gobsmacked. What was he thinking? I'd been trying to string him along, and apparently he didn't really care. When I went to say goodbye to him on his last day, all I got was a one-armed hug and a distracted, "Ja thanks, see you." Then he was gone, and I was left wondering if he'd ever really loved me.
OK it wasn't that dramatic. But I did feel a little disappointed that he clearly wasn't pining over me.

Fast forward 4 whole years. I'd left school and was in my first year of university. I had a long-term boyfriend; my parents had moved to Durban; I'd all but forgotten about that first puppy love. And then, totally out of the blue, I received a phone call on the morning of my 18th birthday. It was the same young man, calling to wish me happy birthday and to ask if I was still in Durban because he'd like to meet up. It was the one and only time I've spoken to him since those early highschool days. And just the fact that he'd remembered my birthday, that he knew it was my 18th, that he had somehow found my cellphone number...made me realise that perhaps he was on my hook after all :)

(Oh and if you're reading this...please don't call/email/Facebook-message to tell me that you weren't. Let me have my rose-coloured view of the past :P )

I am in no doubt that the gentleman in question is no longer on my hook; I'm willing to bet that he hasn't thought about me since that phone call in first year, much like I hadn't thought about him up until now. But I realised that perhaps the HIMYM people were correct: we will all, at some point or another, be either a hooker or hookee. Life kinda sucks like that.

And so I leave you with the inspirational (and admittedly dramatically soppy) advice from HIMYM's resident softy Ted: if you want to get someone off your hook, you'll have to break their heart. And if you're hopelessly pining after someone who keeps telling you that "right now" is not the right time...maybe it's time to let go.

And because that's a depressing place to end, I leave you with some awesome Barney Stinson quotes :)

*Note: HIMYM is an acronym for How I Met Your Mother, for those of you who live under a rock. I believe that it's pronounced "him-im" as to pronounce "hy-mim" is too close to another word and would make me uncomfortable :P )

The unfairness of relationships

This morning I dragged myself out of bed at the crack of dawn (actually, BEFORE the crack of dawn) and staggered zombie-like into the shower. As I washed my hair, I realised that it was reaching the stage of the week when I'd have to shave my legs. Now my female readers will understand what a mission this is; as for the guys, think about what a hassle it is to shave your face. Now imagine shaving two times or more the surface area, and you'll get the picture.
"But it's winter!" a little voice in the back of my head piped up.
"But...I have a boyfriend."

And in the end, that is what draws the line between a girl who shaves her legs and one who doesn't.

(Before I continue, I know that the feminists out there will respond with messages along the lines of "I don't like shaving so I don't do it" and "Why should I shave just because men expect me to?" I'm not saying that you have to. I'm stereotyping. It's tongue-in-cheek, and not intended as offensive. Work with me :) )

Guys will often refer to certain girls as "high maintenance". To the best of my understanding, this means that the girl needs constant looking-after. This could be gold diggers who want endless gifts, needy girls who always need attention, moody girls who need to be constantly placated, and so on. Basically, it seems that "high maintenance" refers to where guys have to go ridiculously out of their way to please a girl who is never satisfied. But here's the thing: guys can be unintentionally high maintenance too.

When a girl is single and not heading out on a Saturday night, she has no real reason to get sex-ied up. Why shave my legs if no one is going to see them? Why bother putting on that tight red top if it's painfully uncomfortable and I'm not really looking for boys to notice me? Why wear a lacy thong when my old cotton undies are so much more comfortable? Why shouldn't I eat two slices of cake instead of one? Who cares if my breath is awful in the morning?

But once you have a (new) boyfriend, that all changes. Suddenly, having hairy legs is not an option. The ancient grey undies and oversized hoodie get whisked to the back of the cupboard. The bikini line is neatly trimmed, the kitchen is cleared of crumbs, and salads are back on the menu. Because hey, if someone is going to see you naked then you want to look damn good in every possible way.

Of course once the relationship has reached a certain point, some of those lazier habits start to creep back in. But if you read those modern 'sexy' magazines like Cosmo and Glamour, they warn against such things. Don't let your man see your bed unmade! Don't resort to missionary sex every night - it's not good enough! Throw out your holey undies and buy lots of lace, silk, and push-up bras! Sneak out of bed before your man wakes up and make sure you look fabulous! (Seriously, I once read that last one in a magazine). We're expected to look super-sexy at every moment of every day, lest (God forbid!) said boyfriend realises that we don't always look like we've just stepped out of a magazine.

And yet somehow, the same expectations just don't apply to men. Tell your female friends that your boyfriend left his underwear on your pillow/farted under the duvet/didn't shower for three days and they'll laugh, shrug and go "That's guys for you." Now imagine if you did that! (Or guys, imagine if your girlfriend did that!) Borderline deal-breaker. (Actually, I'm pretty sure most guys wouldn't complain if their girlfriends left underwear on their pillows. Unless it was the ancient grey cotton granny-panties). In fact, I'm pretty sure "Mo-vember" is just an excuse for guys to stop shaving for a month.
A guy doesn't shower for three days? Manly.
Farts on you? They're little boys at heart.
Can't be bothered to shave? "I'm growing a beard."
Showers twice a day, wears cologne and has hole-free underwear? "Must be gay".

So I put forward a proposal; a feminist movement if you will. The next time your boyfriend/boytoy/sex buddy/ stops shaving, join him and stop shaving too. If he stops showering, you stop showering. If he farts and giggles about it, then do the same! Gross him out! And so we shall change the world, one man at a time :P

And if you find a guy who adores you and still treats you like an absolute princess despite all that...lock him in your basement and never let him go. Silence-Of-The-Lambs-style. :P

You know you're in post grad when...

• Weekends are for catching up on work and sleep instead of partying
• An 8:30 lecture means that you can sleep in a bit!
• You can't fit all of your textbooks into one bag
• A textbook or journal article is not considered a good reference in an assignment
• One assignment per week is a blessing.
• Your nightmares are peppered with the words "Printing failed".
• You voluntarily attend public lectures
• Going home before lunch time just doesn't happen...and then you're back again by 2pm.
• All of your Facebook and Twitter posts are about your work
• Public holidays are necessary for your mental health
• Computers and their constant problems become your worst enemy.
• Readings under 15 pages are rare and exciting creatures.
• You get a feeling of dread when your lecturer gives you a 1 000 word limit on your assignment.
• Writing a blog post is done in the law labs when you're meant to be researching your next essay...