The Facebook Conundrum

Hi, I'm Tayla and I'm a Facebook addict. Yes, sadly it is true...I have been a Facebook addict ever since I came to varsity. Perhaps it is simply a form of procrastination, or perhaps I just don't have anything better to do with my spare time (test? What test?). Either way, I will admit that I spend more time online than I probably should.
But I am not writing this to complain about my addictive behaviour. Instead I am here to confront a conundrum that we have all faced at some point in our lives: to invite or not to invite?

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. You met someone cute in a lecture a few days ago, and you've stopped for brief conversations every morning since. Or you've hooked up once or twice, and possibly woken up in their bed. Or you seem to be taking the exact same subjects, and often joke about it when you pass each other in lecture theatres. Or maybe it's the friend-of-a-friend whose name you've known for months even though you've only spoken once.

Then one day, out of the blue, that person's name pops up under the "Friends you may know" window on your Facebook home page. You find yourself instantly struck with indecision. Do you invite him/her? Would it be creepy? If they were in your position, would they invite you? Do you really want them to see those drunken photos of you from last Saturday? (Although if it's someone you've hooked up with, it's likely that he/she has already seen you in that particular drunken state). I'm here to tell you that I understand your pain. And even better, I'm here to help.

First of all, let's make a list of people you definitely should not invite no matter what the circumstances:

1. Lecturers. I don't care if they're friends with your parents or if 'she's hot for a forty-year-old!' You don't want them to know what you've been up to on the weekend.
2. The cute guy/girl that you always see in lectures but have never spoken to. They probably have no idea you exist. This is a FRIEND invitation. He/She is not your friend, despite those late-night wishes on shooting stars and the occasional aeroplane.
3. Your friend's crush IF you don't actually like him/her. You may inadvertently end up threatening to castrate them with a rusty spoon (trust me on this one. It happens).
4. Tutors IF you aren't actually friends with them in a social setting. No tutor wants to receive Facebook messages begging for help with this week's tut work. Rather email them.
5. People with the same name as you. You don't know them. Don't do it.
6. People with the same surname as you. Especially if your surname is "Smith" or something similarly common. The chances of you actually being related are slim (and I don't mean related as in "her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother and mine were sisters!". That doesn't really count). However, if your surname is Acadyhopsilon or something equally bizarre, you may as well go for it.

Now that we've established the ground rules, time to move on to things one should consider before inviting said person (particularly if said person is a long-term crush):

1. Scroll down your profile and check for anything you may not want the person to see. This can include embarrassing photos, socially unacceptable statuses, disturbing wallposts from your strange friends (such as where she threatens to 'put some part of [your tutor]'s body in her mouth' - don't ask) and any wallposts or statuses that refer to the person you want to invite.
2. Check how many friends the person has. If they have 800, they're more likely to accept your request. If they have less than 200, they're either new to Facebook OR they only accept close friends. In this case, consider the closeness of your relationship.
3. Check how many friends you have in common. At the same time, bear in mind that you should not invite someone you don't know just because you have 20 friends in common. That falls into the creepy category.

Once you have considered these factors, you can determine the likelihood of the person accepting your request and sparing you the humiliation of a friendship rejection. Personally, I rarely turn down friend requests (unless they come from random creepy Turkish men who tell me I look pretty in my profile picture). The base rule is only invite people you know. That way, you're less likely to fall prey to Internet paedophiles AND less likely to become known as 'that weird girl/guy that invites EVERYONE on Facebook'. Do you really think you have 800 friends in real life? Keep dreaming.

Finally, here's a brief list of people you could invite without incurring the 'creepy' label:

1. Anyone you were at school with two years or less before.
2. Anyone you were FRIENDS with at school at any point in life. But perhaps send them a message first to make sure they remember you.
3. Family members (whether you want to invite them or not is a different story entirely).
4. Someone you've hooked up with more than twice OR someone you've had naps with. If you've spent a night in his/her bed, I'm pretty sure they're willing to be friends. Unless he/she was ugly. Then just don't go there. And maybe block them just in case.
5. Your crush (that you HAVE actually spoken to). "But that's creepy!" you cry. "What if he/she rejects me? What if they don't want to be friends?" Protest all you want. You know you're going to do it eventually anyway.

Disclaimer: the above advice is followed entirely at your own risk. If you become branded with the 'creepy' label due to unwise invitation choices, don't blame me. And don't come after me. I have my rusty spoon. You have been warned.