Smile and wave, boys.

Awkward greetings; how I hate them. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. When I'm walking up the stairs in res and see someone walking towards me, I can't help but feel the faintest flutter of panic.
I don't know you, I think. How long have you been living here? What's your name? Am I supposed to say hi?
Inevitably this leads to a brief uncomfortable smile, and perhaps a mumbled "Hey", leaving both of us free to  pat ourselves on the back for being friendly to a stranger. But I sometimes wonder whether there shouldn't be some kind of protocol in place for certain awkward social encounters. Like passing someone you don't really know in res. Or passing someone from your res in a lecture theatre. Seeing as no one else seemed clued-up on the subject, I decided to create my own guidelines on how to handle such situations.

The Awkward Etiquette (it's a working title)
Someone in res
If you pass someone in your res who you don't know very well, a smile is usually an acceptable form of greeting. If you're feeling friendly and want to say hi, make sure it's audible or else the other person may not respond. Then you will walk away feeling rejected while she is thinking "Did she say something? Was I being rude?" Unnecessary discomfort all around.
If you are in the process of getting to know the person - such as a new first year in the res, or someone you're on house comm with - saying "How are you?" is also acceptable. Even if the person doesn't return the question but simply replies "Fine", you can console yourself that at least they didn't ignore you.
If the person is a friend, it is almost mandatory to begin a gossip-session in the middle of the corridor. Be warned: pasing res-mates may join in the conversation too until there are at least six of you sitting on the carpet in the middle of the corridor. Trust me. It isn't as rare as you'd think.

Someone from your res in a lecture
The above rules apply. Except the sitting-on-the-carpet part. Lecturers tend to get upset if you sit on the floor and begin a long conversation with a friend in the middle of the period.

Someone you met in Friars
This is a tricky one. There is a 50% chance that the person does not remember meeting you, while another 25% chance that the person recognises you but doesn't know where from. If he/she glances at you a couple of times while approaching, you can assume that they vaguely recognise you. In this scenario, it's probably safe to smile. If the person approaches you smiling, you can say "Hey" without feeling awkward. If the person glances at you once then looks away, either they don't recognise you or they want to pretend that they don't. Either way, pretend they don't exist. It'll make you feel better for being forgotten.

A friend of a friend
If you've only met the person once, the rules for Friars meetings apply. If you have met the person numerous times, it is safe to ask how they are and perhaps how their lectures are going or something equally neutral.

Someone you hooked up with last weekend
The chances of him/her not recognising you are probably not very high, considering that he/she was probably attached to your lips for most of Friday night. If the person doesn't look at you, accept that they are not interested. Ignore them and move on. If the person glances up, smiles and says hi, consider it as a sign of friendliness but not necessarily as a sign of the encounter being more than a hookup. Only if the person stops for a conversation can you assume that they may be interested in something more than a random kiss on Friars dancefloor. And if they invite you out for coffee...it means nothing unless you set a date and a time. I've experienced THIS one way more than I like to admit to.

The toaster
Personally, I find this to be the most awkward possible encounter. You're standing at the toaster, waiting patiently for your daily dose of carbon, when someone else comes up and slips their slice of bread in. You silently pray that he/she will return to their table...but no! Instead they hover next to you, clearly keen to closely watch their food as you are doing. If it's someone you know, then this usually isn't a problem. However, if it is someone who you've never really met, the awkward turtle appears.
At this point, you have one of two choices. First, you can pretend that he/she doesn't exist and let the silence linger uncomfortably until the tension gets to be too much and you grab your underdone slice from the toaster.
OR
You can pass some weakly witty comments about how terrible the toaster is, how it always burns one side of the toast but doesn't cook the other, how the toast is going to go straight to your thighs etc (OK maybe leave the last one out if you're talking to someone large. They may think you're poking fun at them). Unfortunately this doesn't really relieve the awkwardness of the situation and your attempt at wittiness may be met with a polite half-smile, a vague "So true..." or a returned attempt at joking. There is no remedy for toaster-awkwardness. The most you can do is bear the awkwardness until your toast is finally cooked to your liking, then give them a parting smile and speed-walk back to the social safety of your seat.

Sadly the amount of work I had to do this weekend has turned my brain to porridge and so I can't think of any other witty - and awkward - situations to add to The Awkward Etiquette. As soon as I'm feeling more like my usual amusing self, I shall begin work The Awkward Etiquette v2. Until then, consider taking a book with you to the toaster. Rude, yes. Awkward, not at all. Problem solved.