When I first arrived at university last year, I promised myself that nothing would change. I promised that I would continue to be as diligent and hardworking as I had been in matric; I promised I would never get drunk; I promised my boyfriend and I would stay together and I promised that I would keep in touch with all of my highschool friends. And now today, for the first time, I've realised how much has changed and how far I've gone from who and what I was in matric. What's more, I don't think it's been a good change.
My diligent, good-girl nature is long gone, along with my promise to never get drunk. Sure I still attend 99% of my lectures, I never miss a tut and my work is always in on time. But it's not the same as the studious person I used to be; my spare time is spend with friends or on Facebook rather than on my work. On Fridays I go out, get tipsy (if not drunk) and meet random new people rather than spending the evening watching movies and drinking tea with friends.
As most of you may know, in matric I was dating a guy who I stayed with for 22 months (2 and a half years if you count the first time we dated in Grade 10). The day before I left for university I cried for hours because I knew I wouldn't see him for eight weeks. And somehow I ended up cheating on him and breaking his heart. It's not something I'm proud of, and it's something I will never forgive myself for.
Then there are my friends, who are the main point of this post. In highschool I had four close friends (not counting the one who moved to East London because we still talk on an almost regular basis). One went to UCT, one to study in Durban. Other than the occasional Facebook message, I haven't heard from either of them. Another friend came to university with me last year, and so we'd often see each other in class. This year she also went to Durban to study, and we've barely spoken. The last friend was supposedly my best friend. I was there for him through some tough times in matric, and he was there for me when my boyfriend and I broke up. Despite being in different provinces last year, we kept in touch and always made plans to see each other in vac. This year I finally convinced him to come to varsity with me. And apparently it's changed him as much as it changed me.
I tried. I really did. He told me he was hurt that I never came to visit him and that our friendship obviously didn't mean much to me. How can I visit him if he never invites me over? He said I didn't need to be invited. So how can I arrange to visit him if he ignores my smses and Facebook messages? He said I only get hold of him when I need something. The only time I asked him for something was when I was looking for a lift home in the vac. I asked him as a last resort, after I'd asked everyone else. And five days before I asked him, I'd suggested that we hang out sometime, but he never got back to me. He told me he didn't need to make any more excuses about being irritated, and that if I didn't want to be friends anymore then he'd see me around.
If this friendship had really meant something to him, he wouldn't be so blasé about ending it, especially over something so relatively trivial. And in my opinion, he would have made more of an effort to save it. But fine. I can't force you to be friends with me if you don't want to. Ignore me now, but when you decide you need me...you can go to hell.
I suppose even Will and Grace were destined to come to an end evetually. :(
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